I haven't felt like updating my blog on purpose lately. It is kinda a superstitious thought that just appeared in my sad neural unit. Every night lately that I wrote a positive account of my advancement towards my monthly goal or even that I was up for the last session, disaster would occur like clockwork. Say how well you are doing and Bamm right back to square-one. It's time for the foil-hat I think.
I have always been one of the guys that can play all night long and end up within half a buyin up or down for most of the time. Then every few sessions I would bust my harness and pull down a nice session. Rarely did in lose 3 buyins in a sitting. So my roll was always slowly but surely going up. Occasionally a down-swing would come in, but for the most part even poker with a gradual upward curve. Basically my roll doesn't normally fluctuate much and psychologically I can handle that.
Well, a few months back I cashed out almost everything and loaned out most of what was left. I then went on a huge heater and turned $12 into $950 in little more than a month. I know for everyone that reads this blog, you have already lived it with me, but I just am trying to bring you into what I view as emotional poker trauma. How it insidiously crept in and changed my game for the worse and yet ultimately how just like the saying goes, "What ever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger," has changed my game for the better. I'm sorry, I digress, now back to it. I then went on a major downturn; I couldn't win anything. It actually became depressing. The bad beats were mounting. I had a few early super-tight sessions I played great, but sadly the big hands where my whole buyin went in the middle, the underdog won almost exclusively. And no I wasn't the underdog; i was the guy going in with great odds most of the time. It just seemed that I wasn't supposed to win. The negativity started working its way into my game. I started going for big coin-flop hands, which isn't my style, and was losing more than my share of those it seemed. Then my game got worse; I started chasing draws and going to showdown with weak kickers. These bad tendencies were somehow getting incorporated into my tight-semi-weak/semi-aggressive game. I wasn't oblivious to the fact that it was now mostly me playing badly that was the cause of my plight. Amazing what a down-swing can do to the psyche. I tried moving up stakes to get it back quick, but as we all know, that didn't work because my game was currently in the hole. I dropped all the way back down to $400. I decided that it was time for a break. Good thing I decided this while I still had some cash left. Most poker epiphanies come to gamblers when they are broke; just like an addict doesn't seek help until they hit rock bottom. I took off a month from poker. After about two weeks of not even thinking about poker the urge to play was back, but until I dissected my issues I vowed not to play. I didn't even update my blog. I totally zoned poker out. Well now that the urge was back I decided to read instead of play. I hit my forums again. I started watching TV poker for that rush that it imbues in me. I started thinking about poker again. I started talking about it; some people I think started avoiding because I answered questions with poker analogies and turned conversations towards poker. I'd get the look, you know the look, the STFU, you are aggravating the hell out of my with your weird sort of happiness, look. I still didn't really know what my problem was but it had been a month and it was time to get back in there. I did decide to try to play tight at first.
I started playing a little over 2 weeks ago. I have been on vacation for the past 10 days and have played non-stop all-nighters. What I've noticed since coming back is that I am swinging horribly. I'm up and down, up and down. That isn't normal progression. I have noticed also that my game hasn't been what it used to be. I am still making big calls or raises with draws. Yes there is a place for it but I am using it to excess. Overall I am gambling more, if you get my drift. I'm hoping for luck. I am getting into tight situations and am hoping to get the best of it. That's big-winner/big-loser poker and not really a good business strategy. I am still making unusually bad plays and calls that I normally could rationalize much better and get away from. Two positives that has come out of this is pure unadulterated aggression and a new understanding for the power of position. OK maybe not unadulterated, but I am quite aggressive now. I am taking down tons of pots that I normally would just check. I am taking down hands while in position with absolutely nothing; I am purely betting because of position. How did I make $5000 last year and not understand this aspect of the game. I am genuinely excited about this. I'm tweaking my game nightly right now by slow increments. The reason I can evolve my game so quickly is because of how much I am playing. I am playing so many hands per night (over 4000) that I have like an inflated view of how my style is affecting the outcome of hands. I think that this is normally a very slow process and is so subtle that it is hard to figure out what aspects of your style changes what at the table. These increased hands nightly has put me into a flow, win or lose, to the point that it magnifies for me what exactly is going on at the table. I have increased some of the new aggressive positional tendencies to my game and have diminished a few bad habits that I see costing me money. This flow is cool to say the least. I almost feel like taking another vacation just to see where I end up.
So no matter how the sessions go for now on, I will try to not let it invade my game again. I will hone my own game. I have enough bad tendencies in my game without letting tilt add to them. OK, it is time for a test of my superstition. I'll state something positive and see if it has any negative immplications. I have done really well the last two nights and only stand $100 away from my monthly goal of making it to $1000. Let's see if I have a good night. Later all.
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